Monday, May 19, 2008


Days like today are the ones that I hate.
It feels like wading through mud and everything is too hard.
Nothing causes it and I haven't yet found what can fix it - I just wake up that way.
My HRT drugs don't seem to work and I spend the day at the bottom of a black hole - spiralled out of control with internal rage at how I ended up here: A 38 year old woman trying to deal with the fallout from cancer and facing up to the reality of what menopause is like 20 years before my time. What a pioneer.
I hate the way I look, think and act on days like this.
My kids must look at me and wonder why they had to be landed with such a shit mother. Why couldn't they have gotten one that loved Play Dough and screaming and flying about like Superman. Why did theirs have to morph into Satan at the drop of a hat and slam doors and shout.
I know I'll pay for this through their actions when they are older and everyone can say they always saw this coming.
Good for them. It must make you feel great to be so perfect.
I know I should feel fortunate that I had my children before this happened. That I am lucky I got through it and came out the other side. That I am lucky to have such good support around me. I don't feel lucky. I feel shit. And hurt. And angry. And sad that it is me who has to go through this.
I know that if I just get through today I can wake up tomorrow and everything will be different. Everything will have returned to where it should be again.

1 comment:

Suzanne said...

Hi Floss,
lovin' your Blog!
you know what? You're kids look at you and love you. They don't understand why they have a cranky mum at the moment but they still love her! One day you'll be able to explain it all to them.
The fact that you're aware of your moods means to me that you're at least trying to do something about them. Sometimes successfully and other times ...NOT!
('scuse me for a minute I'm having a sneezing fit and trying not to blow my stitches 2 weeks after surgery).
You know what? it probably doesn't help but, I can understand you feeling shitty, cranky, unlucky, hurt and angry. Why shouldn't you be upset and P@#@*d off!! At least you're not in Denial!!!
The physical stuff you're mainly through. Mental stuff is tough.

I have 2 boys also and just to let you in on a secret, I hate playdough too! and don't forget....
Kids love it when you Morph into cool!!! Maybe not Satan but a Power Ranger or a Ninja Turtle would be Really cool!!Bet the other Mum's can't do that...LOL!!! :)
Thinking of you!